Countdowns

After last year’s migraine inducing July 27th meltdown, I pursued a different road this year. No year gets less painful, I don’t really expect them to, but whereas last year there was chaos and disorder (culminating with me actually miscalculating the number of birthday candles needed), this year was structured and planned bitter-sweet celebration. Like every year, I made strawberry cupcakes. But this year I kept myself busy all day – there was a staff birthday lunch and I went to volunteer with UrbanLife after work. I actually had to work in quiet alone time to be with my thoughts.

Really, it was a day like any other. Which, I guess is good. That was the point, I believe, for everyone involved to have a normal, happy life. But I can’t help knowing that she’s fading from my mind. It’s hard to imagine what a 5-year old would look like today based on pictures of an 18-month old. A 5-year old is a vibrant little person, full of energy with a personality that I can’t know or experience. I’m now resigned to a world of make believe and imaginings.

All this is to say… I’m okay. I really am. I know there is a piece of my heart that will always be broken, will always be missing. But I know that despite that brokenness, my heart still beats. I still love. I still celebrate life. I take these burdens of fears and these pains of memories, I put them in their own little place that’s become a part of who I am, and I keep moving forward. I know that each day she grows I grow – not apart, not side-by-side, but as individual identities that will never not be from the same source.

In a funny way, it’s a good thing for me to have a countdown timer that’s keeping me so focused. For years my life has pretty much revolved around counting down to July 27. Today, July 28, is not about counting down 364 more days. It’s about counting down to December 5 (oddly enough, Mike’s birthday), another day that I would have said would be impossible. It’s amazing how God works. The strength He supplies is never-fading.

130 days to go