Sorry, No Refunds

No one said being a wife would be easy. So last night when it came time for “wife duty” and I had to be a sudden seamstress, I actually wondered for a brief moment if Mike was having buyer’s remorse. It seemed simple and routine. Take patch. Sew on karate outfit. (Sorry Honey, gi. It’s called a gi. Not pajamas. Not costume. Gi.)

Simple. Right?

Right..... My sewing machine had never reduced me to tears before last night. I found myself talking to the machine. Yes- out loud. Please sew, you stupid thing. No don’t break. Stupid bobbin thread.

Well. You get what you pay for. Sorry Mike. And if he wants a refund… sorry, you get what you pay for. At least I can cook. Maybe he’ll keep me if I make up for the patch with a batch of cookies.

Pieces

Today we had a farewell Tex-Mex lunch for someone who I am so grateful for coming into my life.

Rocks

I've been thinking a lot lately about rocks. The kind you build upon. The kind that weigh you down. The kind you want to throw in anger. The kind you want to skip gently along the surface to pass peaceful time.

Lots of rocks.

Maybe it’s age. Maybe it’s just transitioning. But more important to me than I’ve ever noticed before is the quality of other people in my life. Are those around me the strong rocks I can build my life around and upon? How can I build up a better protective fortress?

I started Bible study tonight with a group of girls from my church group, and because God is nothing but a subtle nudger, the selected passage was from the Book of Samuel – the story of Hannah.

And as Hannah prayed, ‘There is no Rock like our God.’

Blossom

People who have the inspiration and willpower to write everyday continually amaze me. I mean… I can copy down an inspirational quote. I can have great, funny conversations with people. But in my daily commitment to devotion and creating happiness, I am often in a loss of how to write down something I would feel has meaning.

My rantings and ravings, while to me might be therapeutic, are not necessarily great literature, and since I’m not really an expert on much, I struggle with what I can say. What I can do daily is look around me, find the things that are affecting me that day – making me laugh, cry, smile, scream – and take note of how God is trying to speak to me.

So today I am going to begin a new project, sort of a platform for inspiration. There will be plenty of times that I’ll have my own stories or motivations, but I am also seeking the motivations of my world. I’m going to try to capture my world through pictures, and when I’m lacking that inspiration I’ll see what my world is telling me. Today I will turn over and new leaf and blossom.

Possibilities

Life is full of possibilities… this just isn’t one of them.

My frustration level is near max. After four completely annoying days battling for authority with my computer (it, by the way, is winning), I’m resigning. I QUIT! I’m not actually quitting my job, but I’m giving in. You win, Computer! Happy now?

A few moments ago I got so angry after another program shutdown on me that I banged my fist on the desk and yelled out, “Are you kidding me?!” It wasn’t. I heard no laughter. And my hand is red and throbbing. So this is the moment, the turning point, where I can only laugh at myself along with my computer.

There are certainly plenty of things I’ve given up on in the past – none of which have killed me… so many times when I looked at my life and saw it filled with possibilities and potential. There was the time that I wanted to be a violinist. So my mom got me a violin, I fiddled a couple of lines, hit some ear-piercing chords and retired my bow after about a week. Maybe I’d be better at the drums. “Mom, mom, mom! I want to play the drums! I need some drums!”
Always the practical one, “Maybe we’ll start with a practice pad and see how you like it.”
“No, Mom! I need drums. Just think of the possibilities!”

Then there was the time I wanted to be an artist… or a chef… or a professional bowler… or a world-traveling journalist…
A butcher. A baker. A candlestick maker.
Okay. I’ve never wanted to be a butcher.

My life is full of possibilities. I know that not everything is possible. I know that I can’t be anything I want to be. But I also know… there is nothing I can fail at that makes me less lovable to God. Maybe He even appreciates me trying. Maybe He found the time I thought I could be a karaoke lounge singer funny, too.

My life is full of possibilities… maybe even the possibility of making it through this day with my sanity.

Coffee and Catch-up

I just had a wonderful afternoon with a good childhood friend as we sipped lattés and caught up on each other’s lives. We hadn’t seen each other in nine years and obviously had a lot of stories and laughter to share… All of this was thanks to facebook. But, as I’m about to shout the praises of facebook from the rooftops, it made me start wondering how all of these great friendships fade away and why it takes the completely impersonal Internet to reunite us.

It’s easy to think about how losing touch happens. All it really takes is a small lack of effort and then whoosh… life just flies by. I couldn’t believe it had been nine years. But as we sat there recounting some of the highlights of that near decade, sure enough, a lot has happened in those action packed years.

Networking sites like facebook are great because they allow you to re-connect with people you haven’t seen or talked to in years, but are you really reestablishing any friendship or just adding them to a list of online associates? Some of the people that I would consider friends I rarely see. Close relationships are whittled down to me knowing they hate Fridays, just got back from the gym or which cartoon character they are most like. Sometimes I do learn big things, like the time I found out a friend was in labor, had a family member who needed prayers or had extra tickets to tonight’s game.

Is this really as good as it gets? We take what we can get and are resigned to not needing the closeness that we once did? I don’t really know. Today’s not about that though… today is about the joys of reuniting with old friends, being able to pick up where we left off and catch up on great laughs. Today is about being grateful for the little things – like the impersonal-made-personal Internet.

Fan the Flames

I had a dramatic realization yesterday… we might be getting too old for cupcakes. It’s hard fitting four candles on one small cupcake. And honestly, it hadn’t hit me that I’d need four candles until last night. But, after a small (ok… very large) breakdown, I squeezed four little candles on my little strawberry cupcake.


As I sit here today, looking at the picture of those sweet little candles a song from my youth is flowing through my head.
Light the fire
In my weary soul
Fan the flame
Make my spirit whole
Lord, you know
Just where I’ve been
So light the fire in my heart again.


I’m just grateful that my heart still burns with this much passion. There is pain. God knows it. I know it. But I have so much love and joy in my life. Those are undoubtedly gifts from God to make my spirit whole.

Surrender

727 – It’s a difficult number for me. It’s a difficult day. I know going to sleep 726 that it’s going to be tough. No way around it. So I wake up knowing that today, more than most days, I need to look for the positive, silver linings and signs from God to keep me going.

I have a great little devotional book by Beth Moore entitled “Praying God’s Word Day by Day” which has a daily reading. That, along with a deck of wisdom cards (inspired by the wonderful Rev. Kathryn), guides my daily prayer. And, not that I should be surprised, today’s verses just seem perfect.

“You say to me, Lord, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Your power may rest on me (2 Cor. 12:9).
You will never leave me, Lord. Never will You forsake me (Heb. 13:5). You are the only absolute guarantee I have in all of life. Help me cling to the one thing I can never lose.”

It’s the loss that’s so hard. The lost moments, the lost smiles and laughs, the shear loss of knowing. I cannot and will not ever regret 727, but Lord sometimes the pain just knocks me to my knees. I will surrender to God.

Tonight we will celebrate her life the only way I know how… with strawberry cupcakes… and artichokes (which she craved) and the comfort of a warm embrace. I will cry as I blow out the candles on her cake. And I will make a wish, the same wish I made on my first 727: that she know she is loved, that her life be filled with joy and that God will heal our broken hearts.

I will surrender to God.

Have you brushed?

Pre-bedtime checklist:
a Wash face
a Brush teeth
a Say prayers
c Scrub my shell?

We all know it’s important to brush your teeth, but how about brushing your turtle?

I consider turtles to be a great spiritual sign of God’s love. Ever present. Protective.



God’s love surrounds us in times of need, fear, confusion, and allows us to keep going even when we fear the outside world. But, it is important to take care of that shell of armor. If we let junk build up on that shell God’s loving message might have a harder time getting through.

Times when I’m getting frustrated or overwhelmed it might be time to step back and give that shell a little scrubbing.

You Can’t Put a Child in the Backseat (and other such delusions)

I’ve been kidding myself lately. I’ve been telling myself I’m too busy. I’ve been too tired to play. Working too hard to rest.

Obviously it has been a while since I’ve blogged. To be honest… not because I haven’t had time, just because I haven’t prioritized it. I finished up with the production of “Annie” on Sunday and am finally getting back into my routine. And, as I was trying to get back into that routine my boss told me to take some personal time off. What?! Not work. Don’t people realize how important I am? I can’t not work. I have LOTS to do.

But she insisted. Then, my friend and shepherd, Kathryn, had to jump in and treat me to a pedicure. OK. I get it. You have to take care of yourself sometimes.

So, I took the morning off and treated myself to a luscious, relaxing milk and honey pedicure. Not only do my feet look great… they’re about as smooth as a baby’s…

Anyway… You know what… the world didn’t end. Huh! How about that! Maybe I can take a little personal time. And, maybe some other delusions I’ve convinced myself might be wrong too. Maybe. We’ll see.

All Things New

We had a weekend full of new things. Mike and I made sushi on Friday night which was not only a lot of fun, but rather tasty too. We got out some cute china that we got when we got married and actually ate at the dining room table! It was a great change from the usual in-front-of-the-TV ritual. We even had so much fun we tried again on Saturday (that, and we had way too much left over. Next time I’ll shop better!)

Learning new things can be hard sometimes though. I’ve been trying out new wheat-free cookie recipes, and Sunday I made one of the most tragic batches of cookies I’ve ever seen. In an attempt to learn a new recipe, I tried a new variation on a cookie recipe I had. I made a new flour mix that I’d wanted to try for a while. How could things go so wrong? The cookies didn’t rise. They became one giant, thin wafer, and in an attempt to salvage them and make them more cookie-like, I tried to fold them together and let them firm up. I really just came out with scrambled cookies. Bless Mike’s heart, he took one look at them and said they’d be great crumbled over ice cream. At least, even when things go wrong, they can at least be funny.

Hymn of Promise

After sharing my Sunday story as the devotional in choir last night, I decided to revisit the wonderful words to “Hymn of Promise.” Here is that beautiful poem.

Hymn of Promise
By Nat­a­lie A. Sleeth

In the bulb there is a flower; in the seed, an apple tree;
In cocoons, a hidden promise: butterflies will soon be free!
In the cold and snow of winter there’s a spring that waits to be,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

There’s a song in every silence, seeking word and melody;
There’s a dawn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me.
From the past will come the future; what it holds, a mystery,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

In our end is our beginning; in our time, infinity;
In our doubt there is believing; in our life, eternity,
In our death, a resurrection; at the last, a victory,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

Something yet unknown which God alone can see.

Recharging the Battery

So last night we went to the Rangers game, as we often do on Saturday nights. This was a game I new would test the love of our relationship… Mike would be cheering against me. He was there to support his Dodgers, in his Dodger blue. There would be no fist bumps when Ranger’s made great plays, no jumping up and cheering when the home run fireworks went off. He would be the enemy! Ok, that’s dramatic, but we could have fun picking on each other’s teams, especially after the Ranger’s 6-0 win over his precious Dodgers the night before.

So, the game was chugging along nicely (0-0 after six) when the game was suspended for a light delay. Yes, a light delay, as in some of the lights weren’t on. Apparently they didn’t notice until the sun set. Play finally resumed at 10 p.m. and when all was said and done I left the stadium heartbroken around 11:30.

We got back to the car, Mike slightly gleeful, turned the ignition, nothing. Battery dead. Man, not my night. So, we figured we could jump start it once the parking lot emptied out. Nothing. Bummer. God bless AAA.

Long story short… we dropped my baby bug off at Sears, off the bed of a tow truck, at 2 a.m. Ugg. Sleep! When we got home about 2:30 the discussion became juggling cars the next day. We had planned to meet my sister for lunch Sunday after church, and Mike, being the fun-loving guy he is, was going to meet us at the restaurant. He told me to just take his truck and then go to lunch with Em. I suggested he come with me to church so that he could still come to lunch. Silence. Ok, how about I don’t go to Sunday school and you can sleep in a little more? Silence. OK. What if I don’t sing? Then we don’t have to be there until 11 and we can sit together. Umm… OK.
Yippeee!

It was such a joy to be able to sit with my husband in church. That’s just a very rare treat. Even better though… was the opportunity to sit in the congregation and listen to the choir sing “Hymn of Promise.” That song really has a special place in my heart and it was a true healing blessing to be able to listen to their beautiful words and music.

It’s easy to forget the power of the music sung every week when sitting in the choir loft. We don’t know what people are carrying in their hearts, what certain songs remind people of and what memories they stir up. What a true blessing to be able to sit next to my wonderful husband and be reminded of the healing power of worship.

I’ll take a dead battery any day if those are the rewards.

One year ago today...

One year ago today…
I began a different life. A life not about me and I but about us and we. I joined hands with Mike and promised that through the good and bad we would love each other.

But honesty… I’m not sure if any one clearly stated what the bad would be. Yeah, yeah… we got the lines on richer, poorer, sickness and health, better or worse, but maybe some examples would have been nice. Again, I fully believe that people should come with instruction manuals. But since they don’t, here’s some things we’ve learned about the good and the bad.

Better – those days when I come home and see fresh vacuum marks on the carpet. Those are good days! When Mike walks in and smells freshly baked cookies, I think he considers those better days too. When I wake up with my temporary amnesia and forget what the heck we were fighting about yesterday, those are good days. When we realize that it’s not really worth a fight in the first place, those are better days.

Worse – are those times like when I ask him to take out the recycling and then I find he’s thrown it all in the trash. Arg! Worse are those times nobody warned him about, like when he’s just getting used to home cooked dinners every night and I decide to do a play and am gone every night for two months. Worse are those times when frustration rears its ugly head, but we try to let our sense of humor win out.

Richer – I thought that the coolest thing about being married was going to be the joint checking account. I was going to be rich! And shop all the time! But that blasted Dave Ramsey… Ok, so not really. I’ll leave material richness for down the road. We’re rich in heart.

Poorer – Did I mention I work at a church? So when Mike’s company got bought out and sold by the government, we got a little nervous about the future. Scratch that. Not much makes Mike nervous. So I prayed for his kind of patience. As it turned out, Mike was right. It’s all good. As long as we have each other, and we avoid those pesky little money arguments that so many couples have, we’ll be just fine.

Sickness – I realize that I can be a little high maintenance every once in a while. Poor Mike schlepped me across Europe feeling miserable and I know the whole time he just wanted to make it better. He gently put up with me when my joints were so inflamed that I walked like a 147-year-old. He even offered to get me a Hoveround (actually I think he said if my condition was permanent that was the only way he’d put up with me) but oh too sweet.

Health – What can I say other than Mike loves to eat my gluten free cookies. I think the best part of the health side is knowing that we’re there for each other on the sickness side.

I know we haven’t experienced even a portion of the highs and lows that we will together, but it’s nice to know that we can add to our stock pile of experiences.

One year ago today…
My life changed for the better. I smile daily. I laugh full-heartedly. I can’t wait for the years to come.

Meet Me In…

Meet me in… where are we again?
Just a few highlights from our coastal journey.

Click here to view some of our photos.

Soulmates

I had the pleasure of watching one of my best friends walk down the aisle yesterday. I watched her anxious smile as she was led toward her soon-to-be husband and I looked on with three of my other best friends as she joined lives with her love.

Love is an amazing thing. It was the ability to endure time, distance, silence. It can carry us through hard times and right back in to new and exciting life events.

I sat next to my best friend, the love of my life, as I was reunited with my three best friends growing up. It had been quite a while since I’d seen two of them, but it was so amazing to have friends that we could just pick right back up with.

Missy, donning the white gown and beautiful glow, was who we all joined together to see. Fitting, since I believe she was always the magnet of the group. She is bright, warm and caring, and I know she had a pull because I would drive to the middle of the boon docks just to pick her up for a movie.

Kate, never afraid to be herself and with an artful style all her own, could paint works of art and bait a fish hook all in one week. My mother will always remember her for her rainbow-stripped knee socks, but I will always remember her for the opportunity to duck tape my pinky finger to a carpenter’s pencil in the middle of the Appalachians.

Erich joined our merry band in high school and subsequently accompanied each one of us to at least one school dance, I believe. Affectionate and caring, he added the subtle humor to the mix.

The four of us have memories to last a life time, and I have to admit… many of those memories have caused spontaneous bursts of laughter that might have made me look crazy to onlookers. Life has taken us in different directions, but it is always wonderful to know that love can lead us back to each other.

We the People

I had a hard time not becoming overwhelmed with emotion in DC. Memorials line the downtown area honoring the thousands who have fought for the amazing country that they so believed in. We watched as people brought flowers and cards to leave next to their loved ones’ names. Children, husbands, wives… all serving to protect this great country.

The media today is filled with depressing news… the economy is failing, the war is failing… our children are failing…
But I saw something different on those hallowed grounds. I saw Americans, standing side by side, paying respects to people they never met, would never meet. I saw tears in their eyes. I felt the tears in mine. And for a brief moment, we the people stood together in admiration.

I have family members who served in World War II and Vietnam, who fought in the trenches and tended to the wounded. I will always be in grateful awe of the thankless service these and so many other heroes gave and still give our country.

Wing and a Prayer

Tonight I have a lot of work to do. I have to pack, which also means I have to haul my suit case out of the storage. Oh, and find my good rain coat. I have to vacuum and scrub toilets so that my sister doesn’t think we live like pigs. Maybe clean out the fridge. Does soy milk spoil and turn into soy cottage cheese? I have to pick out something to wear to a wedding on Sunday… All of this to get ready for a trip that may drive me crazy!

Have I mentioned that Mike and I are going to wing it? I’m not too great at winging it. Guess I’ll just call it a second honeymoon and consider it a romantic adventure. Trip and survival details soon.

Tomorrow!

In honor of “Annie” auditions tonight, I thought I should take time to reflect. Hum along if you’d like.

It’s a hard knock life some times!
It’s a hard-knock life some times!
'Steada fairy tales, We get junk!
'Steada floating, We get sunk! It's the hard-knock life!

But… The sun'll come out tomorrow.
There’s no need to worry ‘bout tomorrow.
There'll be sun!

Just thinkin' about tomorrow
Clears away the teardrops and the burdens
'Til there's none!

I've been stuck in some days
That're gray and lonely,
But if I stick out my chin
And grin and say, ...

You know you're never fully dressed
Without a smile!

You shouldn’t care what they're wearing
In Uptown or in the ‘burbs,
It's what you wear from ear to ear
And not from head to toe.

“Annie” is certainly a fun story with some great life lessons we can all learn. Even though there will be hard times, you can’t let life get you down. Things will turn around… and if you smile along the way… you’ll often trick yourself into finding happiness along the way!

And whether it’s God, or another faithful companion, we can find ourselves humming,
“I don't need sunshine now,
To turn my skies at blue --
I don't need anything but you!”

Forgiveness

I’ve been taking some time to reflect on all of the things that have happened or changed over the past year. One of the things that comes to mind is the obvious fact that I’ve been keeping a journal – most of which I’ve posted in this blog. Since Lent I’ve been taking time every day to catalog the emotions and experiences I’ve had that day, see how they relate to my journey with God and thank God for another day for growth. One of the books I’ve read in this recent journey is “Soul Feast,” by Marjorie Thompson. After going to a spiritual formation retreat lead by Marjorie, my eyes were really opened to how important it is to commune with God regularly. As I’ve said before… I’m not a Biblical scholar, or any kind of scholar, but I enjoy learning new things. One thing I’d not learned how to do though was talk to God about sin. It seemed like such a formal, incomprehensible word to me. I got big sins (murder, false idols, etc.), but everyday we-are-constantly-sinners sins I didn’t grasp well. A big thing I took from Soul Feast was how sin is like an arrow missing off target. Sin is missing the mark. That just seems so human – so understandable to me.

There are so many times I know that I’m off track or just not hitting the marks I want, but rarely would I have thought of that before as sin. But, when I’m not living the life God desires for me, when I’m off target, that’s a sin. While that may make it suddenly seem like we’re all just constant sinners, I find comfort in that. God forgives us of our sins. All of them. So, if I just take the time to notice when I’m off track, not hitting my marks, I can ask for God’s help and guidance and all of those error marks are forgiven.

So, then the battle becomes forgiving myself. It’s those little things, those ‘well I could have been’s or ‘could have done’s that I rack my brain with. Why? God’s over it. Can’t I be too?

Rainbows

I have really struggled with smiling this week. Personal junk and work junk have been playing havoc on my spirit this week, and every day I get closer to Sunday and closer to a day I am really dreading this year. This year might be the hardest yet.

As I was washing some dishes this morning, I squeezed the dish soap into my favorite pink travel mug and then set the soap back down. Suddenly up popped dozens of little bubbles. They floated up and danced around my face and I realized I was smiling. I reached out and caught one on my finger and its own little rainbow ushered in a little brightness to my day.

It feels so good to smile. But even as I sit here typing my eyes still burn as I fight back tears. I’ll be better soon, I tell myself. At least I can still find some rainbows in my day.

Patience

I needed a break today… in a bad way… like run out the door and find a small hole to crawl into bad… so I did the next best thing… I distracted myself. I took a sip of my Fresca, check in on my peanut M&M supply (yep…still there!), flipped through my journal and landed on this scripture.

Yet even now, says the Lord,
return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;
rend your hearts and not your clothing.
Return to the Lord, your God,
for he is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love,
and relents from punishing.
- Joel 2:12-13

How about that! God is slow to anger, gracious and merciful. Oh how I long to be more Godly in my ways. There are times when life just gets going so quickly and items on our task list just grow bigger and out of our control. Why is it that the first reaction when these things happen is “why me?”

It seems so easy to fall in to the “this junk keeps coming” mood. Why is it not that easy to take a deep breath and pray for help?

I’m reminded of “Evan Almighty” when God is talking to Joan and says, “Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”

This is the time to be grateful for opportunities to be patient, for opportunities to be slow to anger, gracious and merciful. And, this is the time to be grateful that when I’m not, God loves me anyway.

Worth the Wait

While it might be true that life imitates art, I’m pretty sure that baseball imitates life. Saturday night might have been the longest nine-inning baseball game I’ve ever attended. The rain delays almost totaled the amount of playing time, leaving first pitch and final out five hours and four minutes from each other. But it was worth the wait.

With all of the frustration that surrounds rain delays, you have to respect the beauty of perseverance. And in retrospect, I couldn’t help but correlate that long, complicated game to the relationship we have with our loving God. Like the prodigal child, we are just a couple of rain delays away from the ultimate relationship with God.

After a 45 minute delay to start the game, the Rangers got off to a quick start and pulled ahead of the White Socks, but pre-game was not without incident. We actually drove out to the game twice. The first time the rain was so thick, so heavy that I knew for certain they wouldn’t be able to play. So, we did what any right-minded people would do… we turned around and went to dinner. Life’s like that though, our own self-doubt and preconceived notions can be real barriers in our relationships and experiences.

As we were finishing up dinner, I looked out the window and with surprise and exasperation told Mike, ‘I think I can see the sunshine.’ It was just a small patch of light, but I fully believe it’s the little things you have to pay closest attention to. Game on! So we made our second trek and arrived without a drop of rain on our heads.

So when the Rangers were up by eight runs after the forth inning I must say, we were pretty happy campers. That’s about when the thunder crashed and the rain started pouring down. Thank God for seats under the awning! Here comes the tarp – that rescuing blanket of protection. But it’s not an official game yet. If we call it off now, all nine runs would be wasted. Isn’t it amazing to know God never considers His time wasted on us? That’s just too human a reaction. He just sits by – patiently waiting out our personal thunderstorms.

Now any Rangers follower knows that there are times an eight run lead is not a strong enough cushion, but just this once it would be nice. A little tip-of-the-hat thank you to all the soggy, loyal fans. But almost immediately after the game resumes, the White Sox blast off a grand slam. Seriously? We don’t need this. Things were going just fine. Why do things need to get messed up? Is life trying to throw me off track? WHY?!!

Oh… baseball. Right. So what’s the answer? Bring on the rain. Just a little cleansing distraction. Stay focused. And five hours later, get the victory. And in the end, the victory will always be worth the wait.

In the end what matters is that we turn home in our hours of need. The rest works out. Ultimately, through all of our struggles, our ups and downs and our veering off path, God will love us any way. And each time we run back home to Him, He just opens His arms and says, ‘It was worth the wait.’

Puzzels

Ever since I was little, I’ve always loved puzzles – things I can fix and finish on my own. But, there are just times when we can’t fix things our self. I really struggled with that idea- that I had to just put my trust in God and wait it out. A while ago, before we were married, Mike and I were discussing faith. I told him that the only way I’ve made it through some of the obstacles in my life is by sheer blind faith. When he asked what I meant by that, I told him I thought blind faith is putting your head down, barreling through a problem and knowing things will work out, not just hoping they will.

Through those difficult times, my mother and I took great comfort in a passage from Jeremiah 29.

For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord. -- Jeremiah 29:11-14

When times get frustrating, the puzzle pieces don’t seem to fit and it feels like there is no purpose in some trials, screaming at the top of our lungs does sometimes feel better. But, with a little faith, blind or not, we can remember that God has a hopeful future planned for us and sometimes He’s just working His purpose out.

Hallmark Moments

Last night I went shopping for Mother’s Day cards and for the third year I stood in the aisle at a loss for words and thoughts. Nothing can say it right.

Got Talent. Will Travel.

It seems like everyone in Britain’s got talent. So at lunch today we were discussing what our talents would be (should we ever feel the need to enter a competition). I can fold a pretty mean origami star and a chair.

I have a dog that can sing a rousing “Take me out to the ballgame.” But, I don’t think having a talented dog counts as a talent.

My mother calls me her dramatic child. Is that a talent?

I could host a cooking show. I love to cook and I talk to myself a lot. Perfect! Maybe I missed my calling.

All this talk though reminded me of a spiritual gift assessment that I took a couple of months ago. Below are excerpts from my journal entry that day:

Primary
Administration
The gift of administration allows a person to organize people and resources for greater efficiency, effectiveness, and success. Administrators have the natural ability to apply resources where they will do the greatest good. Administrators are good with details and are deeply aware of how all the parts of a group or organization work together to achieve their goals.

Evangelism
The gift of evangelism is the gift of faith-sharing and proclaiming the gospel of Jesus Christ to those we meet. Evangelism is primarily a one-to-one or small group experience, grounded in building relationships with others and inviting them to make a decision for Christ. Gifted evangelists do not force their faith on others, but offer relationship with God as a gift, and are ready to tell the story of God and Christ in their own lives.

I can’t say the administration part surprised me too much. I do appreciate order and effective structure. I was surprised by the evangelism and apostleship. I consider myself to be a pretty reserved person, one who’s not great at building and nurturing relationships, so when I saw that these were gifts of mine I started to wonder how often I’m wasting gifts from God.

I wonder if I’m paying enough attention to the opportunities God presents me, and if I do notice them, am I reponding in the right way- the way that would best utilize my gifts.

Maybe I am finding my own way to evangelize.
Check out your spiritual gifts at the UMC Web site.

Jesus in a Kit Kat bar?

Jesus in a Kit Kat bar?
Is that optimism, faith or just a sheer desperation to see Jesus?

On this rainy, icky day, it’s pretty easy to feel sullen and uninspired, so why not look for Jesus in small and unexpected places?

Where do you see God?

I see Him in…
people who slow down driving through puddles because they actually see the pedestrian they’re about to drench.
that little twinkle of the eye when people smile.
tears.
wildflowers.
turtles and turtle tattoos.

I hear Him in…
church bells.
forgiveness.
unexplained and unexpected laughter.

Sure, Jesus could be in Kit Kat bars. I guess we need to pay more attention to what we eat. And who we pass by… And maybe listen a little better… And…

How’s My Driving?

Do you ever just find yourself wishing people came with 800 numbers?

This morning on my commute to work I decided to put down my book and watch the world go by. I couldn’t help noticing how many trucks, minivans and semis had bumper stickers saying, “How’s my driving?” and then listing an 800 number to call for complaints or suggestions. I didn’t see one on the little Honda that nearing smashed into my car last night, and I’ve yet to see one on any of the people clogging up the self checkout lane at the grocery store. But wouldn’t it be great if there was? Seriously… think of the possibilities.

Thank you for calling the service hot line. All calls are confidential but may be recorded for training purposes. Para español, oprima numero ocho.

Press 1 for complaints. Sorry. Box is full. Please call back at a future time.

Press 2 for comments or suggestions. No kidding. We’ve tried that – told her a hundred times, actually. But, thanks for letting us know.

Press 3 for frequently asked questions. So is this person crazy or what? Yes. Undoubtedly yes!

Press 4 for translations. What he meant was he’s bored with you and is moving on. No, he’s not calling again.

I wonder what my hotline would be flooded about. And if they’re not saying anything about me, am I really accomplishing anything with my life?

You know what would be another great sticker for people to have? “Warning! Stay back 200 ft.” But that’s another topic all together.

Photos from my Earth Day walk

Zen in the city

Wisteria at the DMA

Roadside beauties

Let there be Green on Earth

Today’s KRLD Listener Poll is “Do you take Earth Day seriously?” At last check opinion was heavily leaning toward no.

Mainly this made me wonder what the heck was there to “take seriously.” I am certain there is an Earth. I am also certain that there is an April 22. Is it that the initiative isn’t a serious part of their lives? Or that they could care less if we save the world?

I’m a fan of saving the world. I would like for my grandchildren to be able to walk down the street without being ankle deep in trash. I drive a highly efficient car that is clean-burning diesel and gets over 40 miles to the gallon. I take the bus to work 4 times a week reducing my driving by 44 miles a day. I recycle and use reusable shopping bags (when I remember) and I almost always drink my coffee out of a mug. We wash laundry in cold water and have energy efficient light bulbs. See… I’m a fan of saving the planet. I’m actually a bigger fan of saving money. I’m far more frugal than I am “green.” But, I think that’s the case with most companies that are boasting their trendy “greenness.” When did it become a negative to say, “We’re saving money by reducing our electricity bill”? Why is it all of the sudden, “We’re turning off lights to be green”?

But, I will hop down off my soap box and spend some time enjoying the beautiful day on this beautiful Earth that God created. I might just take my camera so I can spread a little Earth Day love later.

God and IT Consultants

God and IT consultants work in mysterious ways.

I’m happy to say that I survived yesterday without trashing any machinery. After doing every tricky maneuver I could think of to get my monitor back online I did what any reasonable person does… I called IT. They walked me through everything I had just tried. Yep, still not working. Arg!!!
Well, we’ll come out tomorrow and take a look at it.
Alright, but it may not be in one piece by then.

Breathe. Sleep.

So my mother, in all her infinite wisdom and sensing my near hostile mood, sent me Psalm 23 for the workplace. IT sent Doug. Doug tried everything from yesterday then said, “Oh. Your switch is broken. I’ll grab a new one from the car.” And wouldn’t you know… it works.

You know all those times when you do everything right, try as hard as you can, and things just don’t seem to work out… isn’t it nice that at least every once in a while you fix a switch and presto! Good as new!

I can’t loan out Doug, but at least I can pass on the Psalm.

The Lord is my real boss, and I shall not want.
He gives me peace, when chaos is all around me.
He gently reminds me to pray before I speak
and to do all things without murmuring and complaining.
He reminds me that He is my Source
and not my job.
He restores my sanity every day
and guides my decisions that I might honor Him in everything I do.
Even though I face absurd amounts of emails, system crashes,
unrealistic deadlines, budget cutbacks, gossiping co-workers,discriminating supervisors, and an aging body that doesn't cooperate every morning,
I will not stop-- for He is with me!
His presence, His peace, and His power
will see me through.
He raises me up,
even when they fail to promote me.
He claims me as His own,
Even when the company threatens to let me go.
His faithfulness and love
are better than any bonus check.
His retirement plan beats every 401K there is!
When it's all said and done,
I'll be working for Him a whole lot longer;
and for that,
I bless His name.

Breathe

Is it green to through a monitor out the window?

I’m not sure it is. I think there are better ways to dispose of computer equipment, so in the spirit of Earth Day being this Wednesday, I’ll keep my actions in check.

Something that amazes me though… how do people have time to dread Mondays? I hardly have time to breathe on Mondays. I get to work at 8, look up and it’s noon, eat, fellowship (i.e. listen to lunch table woes) then back to work, look up again and it’s time to run for the bus. Tuesdays. No Wednesdays. Err, Fridays I have time to dread. So, when my computers decide to break, do they know I’ll have to find the time to squeeze them in on Mondays.

Seriously. Just a little help in this whole cosmic order! If I promise to recycle, can you make my monitor work?

We are Not Alone

In service this morning we recited text from Genesis 1. They were words that I’ve probably said and heard a hundred times, but something about them caught my attention this time. “Then God said, ‘Let us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness.” Let us. Then it occurred to me… who was God talking to? Everything else in Genesis 1 is singular (he, not we or they.) So who was with him?

In every Bible version I’ve found, Genesis 1:26 is plural. Only one added the words Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I’m not a Biblical scholar, or any kind of scholar, really, but I found that fascinating.

For some reason it just stuck with me that God was not alone. Even in his darkest moments, before there was light, before the sun rose on a new morning, God was never alone. So, how can we ever be truly alone?

Raindrops

I’m trying to remember what I used to do, when I was a kid, on rainy days. I loved to color. Watch Disney movies. Play make-believe. Work on a puzzle.

I wonder what she’s doing today. It’s too wet to go outside and swing or run through the grass. Is she bored, or lost in her own world?

I think the hardest part, the part that hurts the most, is the wondering. God how I wish I could know her.

I get this tight knot in the back of my throat that burns like fire. My eyes well up. It just hurts. Why does it still hurt this much?

One thing I used to love was sitting down with warm popcorn. Maybe she does too. So, I’m just going to sit here with some popcorn and listen to the rain against the windows.

Deprivation

Yesterday at the lunch table I told the crowd that the Rangers were going to win that night. There was no way they would be swept two series in a row. They wouldn’t go six days without a win. And, in I believe a fit of payback and frustration, they blew by the Orioles 19 to 6. They could not go six days without winning.

It made me think about things I would not want to go six days without.

Seeing Mike’s smile. The joy and warmth that comes from seeing him smile is nothing short of healing.

Thinking of Kate. I think it would actually be impossible to go more than a day. It’s inevitable. I need to picture her smile in order to keep myself whole.

Cooking. I find comfort in my kitchen. Even if I was only able to make toast in a hotel lobby, I would feel out of balance if I wasn’t able to make something with my hands.

Laughing. I’ve had days when I thought I would never smile or laugh again. I’ve learned that thought is far more damaging, far more limiting than the original pain ever was.

Hearing God’s voice. It’s in unexpected places – that’s for sure. But I can hear Him in quiet meadows, in subtle humor or loud, honking horns – how ever He needs to catch my attention at the time.

Of course there are other small things as well… Coffee. A potato in some shape or form. A fresh salad. My camera. All these I could live without though. But the first five… I would never want to be without.

Perspective

This morning on the way to work, in order to avoid hitting the recycle bin which I could have easily moved and then backed out of the driveway, I did some fancy maneuvering and got out of my spot, but I then had to go the opposite direction out of the alley and circle back in front of the house. Harrumph! I added about 45 seconds to my commute!

As I drove down my street I saw a small animal trotting along one of the patios. A cute Chihuahua? A grey cat? No, an opossum. As my car approached slowly it started trotting along the bricks looking bewildered and lost. I imagine pretty scared. My car was growling at it, after all. But it was daylight. And I was pretty certain this opossum was out of its element. I watched it as it scampered along trying to find a safe place to hide and regroup. Where was that darn creek? I thought I left it right here.

Great… now 1 minute late. I can make up time. I’ll go 5 over down George. And then the light changed. Drat! 2 and 1/2 minutes late! Oh good the bus is still here – park – run fast. No… wait bus! 16 and 1/2 minutes late. At least I have a book.

Here comes my stop. Push the tape. “Stop requested.” There goes my stop. Umm… That was my stop. Could this morning seriously get worse? Grumble… grumble. OUCH! Yes, I could sprain my ankle. Limp. Limp. Shake it off. I look silly limping.

Safely in my chair. Wow! What a tough morning. Could I be more off? Focus. Why does everything have to be so hard?

Well… actually my day isn’t starting as bad as some I’ve seen. At least I’m not completely lost. I could be stumbling around, half blind, just trying to find a safe place to cry. Now the question becomes: do I ask the Lord for a break? Or, do I ask the Lord to give others the break.

I think the gut reaction is to ask for the break. Maybe the break comes in God opening our eyes just a little wider, helping it all be a little more clear. A little perspective is all we really need.